I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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