I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
