he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
