Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
