My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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