I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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