that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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