i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
