i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
