Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
