Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
