there's paper in my vomit.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
we're so committed to being not committed
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
