Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
