I accidentally burped into my bong.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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