So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
