My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
