as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm passing your future prison.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
