I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I am mentally ready for anal.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
