It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
