...so i touched it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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