She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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