I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just invented taco cereal.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
