As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.