I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
