I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I have tasted many bathrooms
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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