Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
