I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
