____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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