Jerry, you need to find god
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
