i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
