My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
