remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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