remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
