I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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