Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
