I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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