Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
