Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
