All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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