You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
