I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
