this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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