you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
