I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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