True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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