I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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