I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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