So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
