Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
