i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
