dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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