so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
