just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
