I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
