maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
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Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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