I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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